That all the terrible things I’ve done,
They were done on the brink of despair.
They forgive me so quick, But I want them to know,
How I wanted things to go.
They give it up after a mili-minute,
They never give it a second glance,
And all I want is a chance,
To tell them my truth.
Somewhere, In the depths of my mind,
I see that little word,
That little no,
Digging out to protest,
Not wanting to let the case go to rest.
Swimming in the sea of confusion,
That little spark of rebellion,
Wanting all to know,
The truth of the mistake.
But when I fight,
They dismiss it without a backward glance,
Saying I’m silly to take it far,
When all I want is a chance,
To say the truth of the mistake.
I wrote this poem a bit ago not because I was feeling this way, but, I was just suddenly… writing it. Even though I didn’t write this about an experience of mine, I think I know what it means.
It means that whenever I make a mistake, people forgive me right away, and I’m fine with that most of the time. But, sometimes I want them to know why I made the mistake; I want them to hear my reason for doing what I did, I want them to hear my truth.
I guess on this part of the journey, I’m searching for truth, or at least, stopping the truth from being dismissed.
Photo Credit: Uncharted Journey Blog
I find this to be true even as an adult. I have thought about this a lot myself over my lifetime too. I have come to the conclusion (right or wrong, I don’t claim to be right, but this resonates inside of me and that usually means it is true). The people around me want me to be o.k. They minimize the mistakes because they look at it through the eyes of intent and context. But somehow, they don’t understand that I wear the guilt and shame of it until I am able to explain it. That some of that guilt is not just because of my actions, but because I can see what should have been had things gone as I envisioned them. Its not just my actions…. its also the dichotomy of them against what I know. What I also find is that I am far more forgiving of other people than myself and it makes me wonder if I am cheating them out of their own processing when I forgive them like they do me based on intent and context. I once again go back to the Steven King Quote: “The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them — words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear.”
When all else fails, I write about it – at least then it is released into the universe and the universe takes care of me
This poem brings up for me a fascinating issue about grace. When I make a mistake, I definitely want people to extend grace to me! And yet, like you, I want to be known and understood. If I have a reason in my heart for my actions, I want to be able to share that and know someone hears and accepts it.
I have been taught to forgive as soon as possible, and having read your poem, I still believe that. However, you bring to mind, and my heart resonates with this, the desire to listen, to give others space to share, give them the opportunity to say more about their hearts, and to still forgive. It seems the loving thing to do.
I must say that I am impressed that you can write this poem without having a specific instance of your own in mind. You have the heart of a true poet, Hannah: a heart that receives inspiration. And in being this kind of poet, you have sparked reflection in your readers. What a gift you have! I bless it! Keep going!
I am so glad that these words resonated with you. To be understood is a need that we all have. Thank you for sharing with me. 🙂
Thank you for your kind words. People need to be understood, and for many it is really hard. Here on this blog I am finding that there are people who understand me. Many people do forgive quickly because they care so much, and they don’t realize that you want the truth to be known. Thanks again for reading and for caring. 🙂